Often people think they have done well by admitting truth to themselves rather then staying in denial.  However a solitary self- appraisal is not the same as sharing who we are.  This is because it is a humbling experience that is about liberation, acceptance and even loving.  In the fellowship it is called housecleaning which includes inventory but also the significance of sharing this.  This step helps with not hanging onto “stuff” that can be toxic.  It challenges egotism , arrogance and fear.  It helps people put in place humility, fearlessness and honesty.  This is rather then pocketing false pride and hanging onto the fear of others seeing “Who we Are”.  It is paramount in developing a new attitude, a spiritual relationship and to be further willing to look at obstacles in life.  Its about casting out which requires this action of sharing with another.  It can be so relieving to let go of some of the “stuff” we hide about ourselves.  This is turn encourages courage which builds self esteem and confidence.  This challenges shame and humiliation through being honest and owning who we are.

I really relate this to step 5 because being a child is a drama despite the childhood.  Within addiction there is drama.  Within life in general there is drama.  Within media there is drama.  Within families there is drama.  Humans create drama because at the start of life as babies they were programmed to keep safe.  With the high level of consciousness, sensuality, dependence, need for others and sensitivity , it is not surprising that internal drama is constructed.  This is then manifested in our external life.  With step 4 of personal inventory and step 5 of looking at self in a real sense. Then sharing the dramas one has constructed within is powerfully healing.  Author Alice Miller wrote a book called “The drama of being a child” “The search for the real self”.  This book was about research into childhood and how this can be painful and traumatic.  Though the book related to difficult experiences I think it is relevant  to childhood “full stop”.  In one part there is a look at the “true self”  the search for this process.  That no-one can heal by maintaining and fostering illusion.  This is so relevant to addiction and the 12 steps.  The natural child and real self is the “paradise of pre-ambivalent harmony”.  We often hope and search for this thus, creating compensatory strategies and safety operations to self sooth because in fact we are fear based.  The experience of ones own truth and the post ambivalent knowledge of it can make it possible to return to ones own world of feelings at an adult level.  This is without paradise, fantasy and illusion.  People often create a “Never Never ” land to compensate for life.  This can take many forms and is very diverse and far ranging.  The step 5 sharing of what is real about us allows a sense of liberation and being grounded.  Releasing us from what we once believed we had to do and say and be.  We learn that we can live without illusion and paradise and have the ability to mourn without fear.  I see step 5 as giving us back our vitality. This powerful process challenges shame and humiliation through being honest and owning who we are.

With relation to child development and the fact that collecting protective blankets to survive is what we do.  We can see that its inevitable that a false self is created.  The power of step 5 is that these blankets have been uncovered to a certain extent in ones personal inventory and therefore the real vulnerable part has been unmasked to a certain extent.  The action of sharing is about the process of acceptance.  That we let another trusting individual into our hearts by sharing who we are, our real stuff that we have hidden because we fear we would not be accepted.  From childhood we build these defences because we have to adapt to be accepted.  We carry this into adulthood and continue with old strategies because they are what we know and familiarity is what human beings tend to stay with.  Its logical from a “child Ego State ”  as we found a way to survive life and others , so why would we not carry this process on. I see this as the “Little Professor” the parent in the child who develops strategies that make the most sense at the time and fitted and worked and helped protect against any pain that had to be endured.   Within this process we can become lost in old strategies that no longer work for us.  Additionally, we know we are hiding stuff that is real about us and we cannot show.  This is because  we have  beliefs about showing our vulnerabilities and imperfections  in-case there are consequences that cause pain..  This belief which is hidden very deep is that our real self is not acceptable.  Therefore the step 5 is so significant for spiritual healing.  We cannot connect with our inner natural child if we do not share.  This natural inner child existed at the begining of our birth and we have had to construct false reality to protect the fears of not being accepted.  If we are not accepted as children then we don’t survive because the human baby cannot exist alone.  We need food,shelter and warmth.  It really is that primal to us and unconscious and often something we don’t think about.  What is real, what is false and if i take a risk “what will happen”.  If we don’t take a risk we stay stuck and don’t connect thus, keep on living our “stuff” that is false and not getting our needs met in a natural child and spiritual way.  Often sharing with a trusting other is a step towards the experience of spiritual intimacy which has such profound impact .  This is because it challenges what human being hold and fear.  That if we show our real self we will not survive.  Which is why we have constructed our false self in the first place.  It is a universal “Frame of Reference” which is really deep and very analytical and complex.  The simplicity of this step is the profound confrontation of this powerful belief .  If step 5 is taken the individual finds out that “the world is not going to cave in” and “I am acceptable”.  POWERFULXXXXXXXXXX

We construct a false self starting from childhood because we need to adapt, accommodate and survive different environments and parental figures.  Our natural sensitivity means that we collect messages about the self that have consequences of us forming defences to protect against deep shame and humiliation and hurt.  I believe this process to be a universal reality for everyone.  Everyone has ideals and standards and thus stuff they have collected from their own childhoods.  “Everyone has stuff”.  Therefore we project “stuff” onto others whether we are are aware of it or not.  We may not mean to but we do, it is virtually impossible not to.  With this we all develop defences to survive the world which is often like an emotional jungle.  Analysis Anna Freud (1936)  wrote about the ego and the Mechanisms of Defence.  Winnicott (1896-1971)  wrote about developmental complexities in his book The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment.  When we talk about facilitating environments we know that a healthy wholesome upbringing is the best way forward.  However, children still collect messages regardless by a process of “Magical thinking”.  Once part of Winnicotts writing captured me when he said about the human infant in the first years of life should not have to meet frustration or privation for these factors immediately cause exaggerated tension and stimulate latent defence activities.  If the effects of such experiences are not skilfully counteracted, behaviour  disorders may result.  I really agree with this but I also think it is inevitable that babies feel frustration.  M Klien Wrote about the process of splitting and in early life the infant sees the mother as  2 relational objects because it would be overwhelming to accept that 1 person who provides nurture could also be the one who frustrates.  Here the good and bad parental figure was originated in writings.  If this is the case then its inevitable that no matter what childhood one has defences are build to survive it regardless.  Therefore, everyone has a false self that can be so ingrained that finding what is real can be difficult because of the layers one has covered themselves up with.  Rather like “Protection Blankets” .

Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.  This step is about the process of sharing with another which has a powerful impact.  I believe that secrets can make people emotionally sick.  To keep stuff inside that needs releasing and being pent up with angst, shame and confusion.  Possibly without even knowing that one is holding all this toxic energy and shame. Once this step is taken and we are not withholding , we are delighted.  Its like being able to look the world in the eye again with a head held high.  It can help us be alone but not with lonelyness and shame and fear of being found out.  It is being alone but with peace and ease.  I see this a getting back in touch with part of the real self.  Through life we construct a false self because of having to save face, hide vulnerability and often find dysfunctional self soothing behaviours and  survival strategies which inevitably take us further and further away from who we really are.  No wonder people feel lost and don’t know how to get back or what to get back to.  The process of sharing with another stuff that we have hidden to “Save Face” is about being real. “This is me”  “These are my experiences”. “These are the things I have done.” “These are the character traits that I have developed”.  This allows fears to fall from us and we get in touch with our inner natural child.  Some see this as getting nearer the creator and this helps with the obsessive compulsive problem with substance.  It makes sense because if you are feeding yourself healthy sharing  quality connection thus, intimacy.  The need to feed and sooth from the substance or behaviour of choice can subside.  This process is a real spiritual experience and we can feel really connected and that we are walking hand in hand with life and never have to be alone with shame again.

This is how I see the step 4 of making a searching and fearless moral inventory  of ourselves.  Its take a look at yourself by putting your fear down and accepting “warts and all”  feedback on self by opening up your self perception.  It is an intimate process of allowing yourself to look into the mirror and see what comes back.  We often want to avoid this process because of fear of what we will see.  “the I don’t want to have a look at myself because I don’t want to see any flaws”.  Its almost like flaws are not acceptable and yet we all have them.  Here we can construct such a false self to protect the real self because really what we have in the form of gritty bits are not okay.  Human beings are really vulnerable when taking stock on the personal inventory of self.  However, this risk in intimacy is fundamental in getting well, developing self acceptance and putting a priority on self care and love.  I believe that avoidance is far more risky and what may be found with our own intimate relationship with self is someone vulnerable and scared or sad and angry.  Therefore  had reasons for this construction and developed a script process accordingly with a frame of reference that was more logical at the time for surviving life.  So the journey of understanding ones script comes from looking intimately at the self.  The process of a fearless moral inventory of self is so useful and powerful in connecting with our own internal relationship with “us”.

A lot of ones construction of a frame of reference and discounting can be fear based.  If its associated to survival strategies it is just that about “Surviving”  which had significance in the past to how one felt.  This is where personal inventory also looks at pessimism, cowardice, dependency, fear, hopelessness, negative thinking and self pity.  We are fear based animals but if we live with to much association to this we develop negative characteristics which hold us back.  In the Susan Jeffers book Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway.  There is a paragraph that says “If everybody feels fear when approaching something totally new in life.  Yet so many are out there doing it despite the fear.  Then we must conclude that fear is not the problem  Here is where I see scriptwhich can be a major problem.  This is further reinforced by if it is out of awareness it levers us stuck by something which we dont really know about.  This often leave the message with people “This is just the way i am and that that”.  This is so not true and often can hinder people in their lifes journey which does make me sad.  Here i see addicts working the programme as having more emotional literacy  then other people because they look at the self.  This is even if they are not aware of the deeper injunctions.  They have taken personal inventory and know the negative characteristics that hold them back.  Whether these are attached to earlier deeper message is besides the point,  The programme itself can help people with their script processes by getting them to look at the self and take their own inventory which is powerful and productive.  Additionally, it looks at fear without trying to be in denial of this feeling which can impact us making decisions, moving on, believing that we can survive as individuals, stops us from self care, deprives us from handling life on lifes terms.

To keep our old frames of reference in place we often discount, which is a form of dis-missing which is out of conscious awareness.  “Discounting is unawarely ignoring information relevant to the solution of the problem”.  It comes in may forms which are relevant to ones personal inventory.  The grandiosity , doing nothing, agitation, violence,  using gallows humour  and dis-missing others. All are relevant to identifying how we relate to our selves and others and situations.  One can discount options available thus, be lazy, close-minded and procrastinate.  Or discount personal abilities to be civil thus, abusive to others, argue, complain, criticize and be generally difficult.  In relation to personal inventory our discounting may not be in our awareness thus, not in existence in our frame of reference.  Doing personal inventory we can see the significance of our behaviours such as, thoughtlessness having impact and hurting others.  We may hold a “I’m not Important” thus, disregarded that we have the power to be impactful.  so forth and so on.  Once we can see the significance of our personal inventory we can then choose to stop discounting.  Therefore change possibilities and personal abilities which is what the programme is all about.

I have been asked many times before.  What is a frame of reference?  It is my way of perceiving the world which may be different from yours.  I will differ with how I see something and therefore how I respond to it.  It provides the individual with perceptual process which is often fitting with associated responses which relate to past experiences.  It provides the individual with conceptual understanding which relates to how one has integrated their experiences.  Since we all have different experiences this means that our conceptual processing on the world , self and others will be different thus, we store different interpretations.  Its a kind of filter on reality based on what was affective in the past and thus provides the action set required .  However our now reality is different so past strategies and how we see the world may not fit constructively.  In other words our frame of reference can be distorted and not helpful to us.  We can also re-define stimulation to fit our scripts.  In other words I will distort my perception, dis-miss important information and others if this fits with my frame of reference which once upon a time made sense.  Now as a grown up I can work this scripty stuff and re-run old survival strategies to keep the whole process going.  This I see as living in the past in the present.  Problem solving from past scripts and  frames of reference rather then using adult energy to look at life as it is and ourselves as how we are.

This can be a significant process as it allows personal inventory at a  level where one can understand some of the negative character traits.  This offers compassionate understanding rather then punitive judgement and can help the process of letting go.  For example, the lying fantasist may see that what has been created is because of not fitting in and seeing the self as not being enough for others to be interested.  Therefore, to lye about ones associates, boast about success that has not really happened on the level spoke about and making out your someone your not is because of these deep vulnerabilities.  Someone who is forever going on about how unwell they are or pity pot woe is me may have found ways of getting attention when young and hold messages of “Don’t Be Well” otherwise you wont get your needs met.  The individual who seems cold and heartless may have an injunction of “Don’t Feels”.  It allows us to understand our own self intimacy at a much deeper level.  People have flaws for a reason and these are not always at a cognitive level because of early decisions constructed by how we felt in the past.  Our frame of reference is constructed by this process.  The contradiction is that what we construct to be safe in the world from a child logical place often ends up providing the opposite.  The safety of what is familiar and worked once upon a time  is not always good for us.