This can be modeled by parents who bottle up feelings or give the child to much recognition for being strong.  Or the child who has parented in the family way to early and taken responsibility for other feelings.  For the male gender it can be passed down in society “big boys don’t cry” ” Be a Brave Soldier”, The family system who fear feelings can put down messages of “don’t feel sad”, “don’t experience fear”.  This can mean individuals overide their natural resources and keep functioning well beyond what is good for them.  I see this a lot in workaholics and matriarch heads of families and organisations.  It can be the source of some sever problems in adulhood.  This is from finding dysfunctional ways to sooth feelings that you don’t even know you have underneath.  To great walls of denial and not living in a real way.  I worked with someone whose denial was so high that on a psychological test she was really showing significant levels of splitting off from herself completely.  When her mother died she did not grieve with tears or deal with her death in a real sense but hid behind her defences.  It was only with working on these issues that she was able to access the child within that made the decision that feelings were not safe. You can see these processes with those that compensate by vanity, materalism, hedonism and running away and creating new lives  and images all the time.  To eating disorders and people carrying their pounds of pain in weight .  Or not eating because they get confused by the primal need of being hungry and act out the emotional deficit by lack of food.  It is very difficult to get your needs met when you don’t have the primary source of data which is emotions to let you know where you are.  It is like functioning in a half human way and having a closed heart to self and others.

This can be passed from a parent who constantly belittles the child’s thinking.  Or the parent who acts like this themselves, the mother who is hysterical the father who is passive.  Or obsess about everything that is around them apart from the real problem at hand.  What happens is ones problem solving developmental strategies are compromised thus, thinking can be split of at times when it would be beneficial.  For example, a lack of consideration in relationships and not understanding why others are angry.  Or being totally helpless in situations in life and work where it is resolvable via thought, action and process.  Some individuals respond to problems, situations and relationships by being confused or feeling bad about the problem but not thinking about how to solve it.  It can be really uncomfortable when someone can feel incapacitated by this injunction and are stuck and despairing.  It can stop people working on their marriage, can be intimacy avoidant with ones children,  it can hinder reaching your full potential at work and get in the way of friendship.

Sometimes this is given by attribution as when parents continually give the message that the child is not strong.  Or if the family model being sick is how we are and survive in the world.  A lot of alcoholic families hold this injunction within their system and individuals even if not addicted themselves find others ways to be not okay.  As they do not know how to be any other way or what emotional or physical stability may be like.  Here emotional drama , destructive or co-dependent relationships may be how the not being well or sane is acted out.  In other cases it is were the child has got stroked from being unwell a way of getting attention that worked.  Parents that are busy people that may have love but no energy for their child.  When the child is unwell the attention that is yearned for is received.  This is stored in how to be and there is a strong investment in this role and a fear of moving out of it in-case one does not get want they need as an adult.  People can act this out in the health service with those that are constantly being attended to in some way shape or form.

Individuals who have this injunction may have difficulty with intimacy.  I see many people who have been helped by the  SLA fellowship as they have struggled with life due to their ambivalence in relationships.  They may be sexual but cannot be intimate as in letting others in.  Or they may share but feel repelled by the thought of sex with their partner.  Others may like the chase but cannot settle down and seek stimulation external to the relationship.  Or there are those who feel disappointed in relationships or just don’t know how to be with a significant other.  This is not just in relationships that this manifests itself.  It can relate to friendships, families and wanting to be alone but then dis-satisfied.  We all need others in our life to be close to as we thrive in healthy relationships.  The injunction can be modelled by parents who seldom touch each other or the child.Or be passed down through the generations in families who rarely talk about feelings.  It can even happen when a parent goes away abruptly as the child can then experience rejection.  It really is about separation to protect from the pain of being close or rejected.  Then an individual may not know what to do when others are warm to them.  They don’t know how to receive the kindness and love with the heart that it is given. It is very relevant to individuals who are destructive with secure and loving relationships after a period of time.  There is something about not really knowing what to do with something that you really need “Being Close”.

When i am among Europeans I feel like an Indian.  When I am among Indians, I feel like a European.  I can really relate to this being brought up with both Irish and Polish communities which mean I  didn’t fit with either and often did not feel secure or centred.  In adult like i have used this to my advantage and can be regarded as a bit  bohemian or even maverick.  I have friends from all sorts of walks of life which I delight in as I have diversity.  Here injunctions can work to ones advantage but you do have to know them in the first place.  The person complying with Don’t Belong feels out of it in groups and so is likely to be seen by others as different , at times unsociable or even a loner.  The message can be conveyed in many ways from telling children they are different.  Even too much background variation and not enough consistency can have consequences.  Or the parents own social ineptitude which is passed on.  Even telling children they are shy can manifest not belonging or  if one is a scapegoat .  Even in childhood if one is treated as very special this can carry this message.

The individual with this injunction may become panicky when asked to take on a leadership role.  The opposite be really grandiose because of a lack of importance inside as a form of compensation.  It can also be linked to not being able to ask for what you want or not really knowing what your needs are.  There can be a belief of subordination which is acted out in many way.  This can relate to not being self nurturing, hiding away or being  over the top to gain recognition because of a lack of sense of self.  We all need to feel important and wanted thus, this injunction can be painful.

So far we can see how ones personal inventory is relevant to injunction messages.  The selfishness of being closed minded, miserliness and procrastination can be relevant to some individuals with a “Don’t Do Anything” injunction.  They are miserly because of fear of not having enough money.  One can be closed minded and bloody minded because they fear the options of change.  Or procrastination due to fear of risks and taking action.  The selfishness of sloth, waste and laziness can sometimes be relevant to “Don’t Grow Up”.  The individuals who waste time, energy and recklessly spend. Those that seem childlike in not taking responsibility and not wanting to carve a reasonable path in life and could be considered lazy.  The inconsiderate inventory of being reckless, destructive, filthy minded, irresponsible and  thrill seeking could be relevant to some of those with a “Don’t Exist” as through life their behaviours and choices lead them down paths that are self destructive.  It can almost feel like they are trying to get rid of themselves and appear not very caring to their own well being.  The intolerant, controlling and perfectionists can hold onto messages of “Don’t Be A Child”.  Or the Bad Company addicts or individuals who keep indulging in self condemnation could hold “Don’t Make It”.  They can seek out those who are not good for them generally and this is not just relevant to addiction.  It is universal and rife.  After-all, who we associate and feed off affects where we are in life and what we do.  This links back to our attachments and how we exist in relationships.  The negative thinking pessimists or those with injustice and dis-satisfaction may hold “Don’t Be You” leaving them with huge frustration that is about the anger and rage attached to them not being able to be themselves.  The fearless moral inventory of ourselves is very relevant to early injunctions. The step 4 analysis of selfishness, obsessions, dishonesty and lack of courage is how some of these injunctions can be acted out emotionally in our lives..  ,

This injunction can reinforce a lot of scare in individuals leaving them in a place of avoiding life.  This can manifest in not doing anything risky because it can be dangerous and avoiding even general activities or steps in life to create a form of safety.  Often a belief is carried that if i do nothing then i cant get into any harm.  This can leave people in passivity, dithering, procrastinating, getting nowhere and feeling frustrated as they are incapacitated .  Then not taking action to change can put one into a cycle of despair because doing nothing does not mean that the mind stops working and thinking.  This eventually can lead individuals into driving themselves “nuts” “I am doing my own head in” “people think that nothing goes on for me but It does”.  The baton of fear can be passed from parent to child relatively easily especially if the environment is fear filled or overprotective.  If a parent is terrified if the child is harmed or running free is a risk then this is transferred. Its almost like one has steel apron strings on and creating safety is so paramount as everything feels like a risk.  A lot is not in reality and one cannot accept that life cannot be in full control.  No-one can predict everything and provide a environment that is 100% safe.  It is then difficult to accept life for the gift it is and to surrender all the strategies that provide a “kind of gilded internal prison.

This injunction can be given by parents who are vulnerable and want to be the special ones.  Or the jealous parent who feels unaccomplished by their own internal negative messages about themselves. Or a poverty stricken family who fear success and education because that means their kids may leave the fold.  Or education meaning moving on and therefore making the children work rather then go to college.  Or school not being a priority in ones growing up years.  The experience of not delighting in ones children can dampen any excelling in life.  To omit the parental pleasure in seeing our children evolve and be themselves can convey that its not okay to succeed.  If we don’t believe in our children and celebrate their growth it may be difficult for them to “Go for It” whatever that may be in adulthood.  With this individuals can even sabotage success by behaviours and internal beliefs that they are not even aware of.  I worked with a  writer and journalist who sabotaged the writing of her novel in many  ways that caused distress and confusion. One of the ways was deleting a chapters off the computer and another way was not saving the writings.  These are things that sound related to dis-organisation.  However, this never happened in relation to any other work she did.  Know this and exploring it allowed her to cross transact this process leaving open the door to reach ones full potential and become accomplished.  I firmly believe that all human beings have a right to this.  Another theme i have often found is students that try really hard but come exams they are likely to panic, go blank, forget or walk out.  The same can apply to people whose work and being seen is dependent on presentation.  The nerves experienced are often not congruent to the situation.  I see the “Kings Speech” film are relevant to this in some way, as the speech impediment when centre stage was so traumatic it hindered delivery.  The therapist engaged in the Kings free child energy and work with his fears in the relationship thus building, trust and understanding of what stood in the way of this person performing.  Therefore developing strategies that balanced out all the nerves and associated messages that may have lay beneath the surface. I have even seen people come down with psychogenic illness at times which are crucial to them making it.

I have seen a lot of individuals  in my work  in co-dependent relationships that have this particular injunction.  Individuals who are parented by their partners and often feel they would not survive if something happened to the family.  Individuals who are controlled by others but seem to dis-miss that this is the case or just adapt to the situation.  Individuals who struggle to assert themselves or claim their right to have a voice and opinions of value. Individuals who feel useless at times because they are scared of growing up.  Often not having the tools in the toolbox to engage in adult life adequately.  These individuals can often experience the adult world as hostile and live in fear while holding onto not growing up.  The problem is that this can get progressively worse with individuals feeling more and more overwhelmed by the prospect of engaging in adult life.  Think of the film Author or the idea of Peter Pan.  Its sometimes inviting to go into these roles and places but to live in the constant mindset of this is difficult as one never really feels deep down  that they can survive life as an individual.  To really feel “you know what, I can do this”.  It is often the youngest child who get a down grow up injunction.  Its common for the mother to over-nurture the youngest as they don’t want to let go of having a kid around.  Or the parents who define their whole world on the child and being good and rescuing at every opportunity. Or the parents who have not grown up themselves and therefore cannot pass on the adult tools of life.  Or the father who struggles with his growing daughters sensuality and his discomfort is transferred as she cant engage in being a woman but stays a girl inside.  Even over-loving and wanting to be needed thus, over available to a child can render them feeling incapable of adult survival.