Made a list of all persons we had  harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.  This step is about the importance of healing the past with others.  Since we are relational animals we will have others in our lives that this process is fundamental to.  The starting place is for making a list of people I have harmed.  I see this as a cathartic process which goes from head to paper which allows a sense of pro-active freedom.  It makes it real in our lives that others have been impacted and that is important.  To make a list is taking action which is pro-active in itself which can shift the stuck energy where we have the potential to sit and do nothing.

The pro-active action of writing a list allows the importance of reflectivity.  To look over this inventory and possibly reflect on life again.  There is so much to take in and so much to learn from.  In this list one can write thoughts down beside each name about what appropriate amends might be.  In going through this we have the potential to be more open-hearted which then relates to further willingness in taking future action on amends.

I see this as opening up the heart as that is what we do in relation to others.  In our experiences with others even if negative and having consequences there is something about “our life becoming live”.  This action is about making it real, others in my life are people with hearts and minds.  What has happened is real and this has consequences for other people. ” In writing this list I care on a deeper level as I can see what’s happened”. “Not only that I am willing to see what has happened and my part which has had impact”.

The amphitheatre of ones life has the potential to be created as others are invited into the process of the emotional relational world .  We are in relationship since the beginning  of our lives which has had huge importance on the paths  taken.  With this there have been changes and transitions.  This is another opportunity for change which can put the reins back in your hands as the director of your own recovery..

It may be questioned how step 7 and humility relates to script.  How can this step help our script? How can this step connect with script theory or process at all? There is nothing in Transactional Analysis and Script Analysis that suggests Humility, so how does it fit?

Its not so much about fitting but cross transacting the script process which can have positive effects.  Our script is  constructed for our survival in the most logical form in that period of our lives, which was childhood.  Therefore, from this perspective it is a developmental time that is dependent, needy, self absorbed and for obvious reasons about self preservation.  In adulthood some of our script behaviours could be rather self absorbed and  selfish whether this in in our awareness or not.

We become emotional feeders to feel alive, important, get our fix of stimulation and connection to life and others.  However, this is not always generous of heart or productive to our lives or even conductive to what is going on in the here and now.

To live a principled way with a step 7 on humility  has the potential to cross transact over our self centred needy ways.  We are using a emotion that involves the compassion for others.  The principled way to live which connects us in a spiritual way to life and love.  This not only has the impact of cross transaction but  can also dilute the need to feed from those self absorbed sources and  game playing with life.

The power of this step is profound but gentle.

The evolving of compassion has come from  mutual caring of each other.  This can help us feel soothed and safe.  When we are in kind relationships rather then critical and toxic ones the levels of our stress hormones lower and our feel good brain chemicals are higher.  This in turn can effect the immune system and leaves it more robust.

In the Psychologist they did a survey on ageing and mental health.  It was seen that healthy well being was relevant to ones social network.  This is suggestive of connection, others want to be around you if your kind and compassionate which in turn generates an exchange that benefits your well-being.

Paul Gilbert in his book the Compassionate Mind wrote about the process in relation to a neuroscience approach.  That this approach places kindness high on the basic attributes of compassion and well-being.  In his view the belief is that we have evolved out of our capacity for altruism and caring behaviours.  Compassion is defined as behaviour that aims to nurture, look after, teach, guide, mentor, sooth, protect, offer feelings of acceptance and belonging in order to benefit another person.

It seems that Step 7 stuff is a major generator in our brains .  It harnesses certain motives, competencies and resiliencies and organizes them in certain ways that are conducive to our minds and bodies experience of well-being.  But we need to focus and the brain will eventually train and develop these abilities which reap many rewards.  This is why the programme is action based otherwise all of what we say are just words.

Kristin Neff has been developing the concept of self compassion which can help in relation to making sense of humility.  The 3 main areas she talks about is Kindness and understanding difficulties and being warm in the face of failure or set backs rather then judgemental.  The idea of common humanity and seeing our experiences as part of the human condition rather then personal, isolating and shaming.  The mindful acceptance which is awareness of pain and letting the process be rather than over-identifying with these thought and feelings.  This makes me feel “we are all in this together” “we all have difficult feelings and pain” ” we can still make the choice to live with humility” “We make the choice of committing to humility”  ” we will reap the benefits  if we live with loving kindness”.

The idea of taking the leap comes from a book that   Pema Chodron wrote which is relevant to step 7 and living with humility.  The titles of the chapters are captivating in how they relate to living with a certain peace and serenity and what it takes to commit to that.  It talks about feeding the right wolf and that we all have different sides that involve ego or natural open-heartedness.  We have  the choice about what we feed

To honestly face the pain in our lives and the problems in the world to look at the self honestly and compassionately.  Or we can become intimate with the mind of hatred, ego, polarisation, WE can make the choice to nurture humility, openness, intelligence and warmth.  This choice and the attitudes and actions that follow from it are like a medicine that has the potential to heal suffering.

In Buddhist teaching its encouraged to work with the wildness of the mind as the best way to dissolve confusion and pain.  This allows acceptance and the space to see the very mechanics of how we keep in emotions that can keep us stuck.  That repetitive suffering does not always come from uncomfortable sensations but from our mind going into the “what’s happening next”.  We can choose to treat ourselves with compassion and humility and believe that we have what we need right now.

The Dalai Lama has often said that having compassion for oneself is the basis for developing compassion for others.  It can be said that we all have access to “unlimited friendliness”.  We can all work from the heart and want to be genuine in our trust and communications.  This is relevant to the peace that we are looking for and its not peace that crumbles as soon as there is difficultly and chaos.  This is because we have committed to humility as a way of life.  If we do this we have more chance of living life on life’s terms.  This builds emotional resilience and strength into our emotional process which transfers and touches others.

“My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad.  I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character.  ie false pride, jealousy, envy, selfishness and dishonesty.  This stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows, Grant me strength.  humility, contentment, trust, honesty, unselfishness.  As I go from here to do your bidding.Amen.

In script term this crosses over any possible games that we play to get unmet need met.  Games are repetitive patterns of behaviour often played out with others out of adult awareness.  These always end up with people having a pay-off’s from what is acted out emotionally.  This is because they contain exchanges that hold ulterior messages within the transactions between people.  These games can hold a lot of emotion , confusion and blame.  The step 7 process is about us cathecting an adult humility which is not about our unmet child needs.  This does not mean we discount ourselves but we account for relating to others with compassion which is adult acceptance.  If we have needs we can get them met without games.  Though it is virtually impossible never to play something out with others.  It does invite us to minimise any potential ulterior’s or resentments that can mean acting out emotional games to get unresolved needs met.  This in turn means that we get our needs met in a more spiritual functional way rather then unconscious and dysfunctional ways.  These end up with pay-off’s that are often just fixes anyway so games do not work long term.

I have often wondered where my love of this step comes from.  That people who practise humility seem to have a natural air of grace about them.  A peace and serenity that comes from within that goes beyond our common language in explanation.  In relation to Life Script we often seek out a emotional diet in the form of “strokes” which is similar to our past relational experiences with the world and others.  This is manifested in our present lives and impacts how we relate, connect and live in attachment to others.  Therefore, using “tactics” to create the same stroke economy that we were used to which serves our script.  For example, if we were conditionally loved for achievements we may relate to others in a way that gets us these strokes.  If we were withdrawn because it was a risk to claim our space when young.  We may create this by being socially inept or always questioning what we say which often means disconnecting from the healthy relational energy on offer.  Step 7 is powerful in this process as both polar opposites can get crossed transacted.  If we feed ego by achievement thus, boast and get strokes this step keep us grounded and in reality, thus, feeding off relational energy from others that is more real and about us rather then being with others that look at achievement rather then our humanistic self.  If we are withdrawn and under confident thus, not getting strokes because we are scared.  This step can give us confidence as it will define who we relate to, it will give us a reality check on what is important.  Though its about humility to others it is also about this compassion for the self.  Either way this step is about nurture in “what ever way” it makes sense to the individual.  I see it as giving us spiritual strokes that are about connection to warmth and good energy.  This then reinforces a connection to others and healthy relational patterns.  This then can define how we relate to the environment and our frame of reference of the self and life.  Generally, Step 7 has impact on our stroke economy in a productive, spiritual, centred and principled way.

The human being is an attachment animal and feeds off the relational stimulation that this provides.  In adulthood if one is connected and open-hearted then the feeding system off relational connections is bound to be in place and in a good quantity.  Its pretty obvious that people are drawn to those that are warm, caring and compassionate because they feel seen and safe.  Therefore, living with humility can be seen as an on-going process that gives us something pretty special in return.  It keeps the ego and self importance under control which helps individuals stop being in a loop of dis-satisfaction.  To live life on life’s terms and actually have gratitude because there are always others who are worse off.  A modest view of ones own importance is actually quite attractive to other individuals and makes any interaction less threatening.  You are then relating from human to human rather then ego to ego.  If we have our own “ego’s out on display” then others tend to present their ego’s.  Its interesting to ask “who am I talking to at this present time”  the human being or the ego?  This is not always a process that is in obvious awareness.  Living with humility can show that one is interested in what is really important.  Not  what human beings  cover themselves up with “the stuff of life” “being clever” “being arrogant” “talking about money” “grandiosity” “embellishing the truth to look superior”.  Its interesting how many times we can use the tactics without even realising it which invites others into a different dynamic relationally with us.  This can compromise the real richness of spiritual connection with others.  We are often looking for strokes “units of recognition” when we use tactics.  However, even if these do have the desired effect its short lived and often relates to others who lack humility and suffer from the same thing.  “Being impressed by the stuff we think is important ” which compromises spiritual connection in relationships.  Therefore, it is not really important on the level that we once thought but perhaps part of a defence and how we protect ourselves.  Using humility and being humble as a moral compass is a much richer way to live then staying with superficial tactics, unsatisfied needs, unimportant demands and feeling unmet spiritually.  This is why most people are happier if they live life with compassion and kindness in their hearts.

This is my favourite step and is powerful in its gentle nature.  “Humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings”.  The whole emphasis is on humility.  Bill Wilson “As long as we placed self reliance first a genuine reliance upon a higher power was out of the question.  The basic ingredients of all humility, a desire to seek and do Gods Will was missing.  Humility is not something to be resisted but to be accepted and embraced.  We have the capacity for this and it is a gift that deserves to be used.  The eyes “perception” can open up to immense values which can keep the painful ego under control.  The “heart” becomes open to warmth and love for others which in turn feeds the self.  Being humble is being open to the Will of our Higher Power in our life, however, that may be expressed.  As  step 6 the step 7 is never completed but a commitment to a certain principled way of living. The removal and reduction of shortcomings is a life long process.  The executive of our shortcoming engine has been fear and a selfish neediness to cover this or manage this feeling.  Our fear based ways are about loosing something we would need.  Not possessing enough or failing to get what we demand.  Living with this dis-satisfaction means being in a state of continual disturbance and frustration.  This is the power of step 7.  As it is about a change in attitude which permits us with humility as our guide to move our of self and towards others.  This in turn feeds us healthy emotionality as we choose a different moral compass in life which has a feel good factor.

This step does state this.  The Big Book tells us that this Step “separates the men from the boys”.  It recognises the high level  requirement  from a spiritual and emotional place.  The importance to be willing to behave differently from the ways of the past.  Is one willing to change in order to be changed?  The development of more and more willingness to have defects removed is a lifelong process.  It is cyclical in terms of “my Will” “Thy Will”.  The changing of script is similar in that it requires the same emotional demands and faith in the process.  Often peoples work on life script changes hold many situations that can not be explained in a rational way but hold a spiritual connection.  For example working on death anxiety and a friend gets cancer or having existential angst and then checking your birth certificate to see that sister was mother.  As we awake spiritually we seem to parallel a process by waking up to our scripts and the real fabric of there construction.  To be real and embrace this change to reach full potential its often not for the faint hearted.  I see in my work really tough candidates that want to change script “if they really want to they will”.  Just like addicts that really want recovery.  They also have tough trauma and pain from their experiences that have led them to wanting the changes.  Again “if they really want recovery” then they will succeed.  Even if one goes of track its not a failure depending on what is done with the learning.  To be willing to see the habitual interpretations we apply to situations in our script.  This is similar to looking at the habitual defects of character that relate to relapse. ITS TOUGH BUT ALL WORTH IT.

There are such similarities between defects of character and script.  The defects of character are about dysfunctional ways of acting, feeling or thinking which cause others or me pain.  Ones Script is about a life plan which represented the child’s best strategy for survival in the environment.  This  includes character traits,  patterns of behaviour, discounting reality, redefining life according to distorted beliefs and repeated pain because what is manifested in adulthood from childhood does not work.  This is because these old strategies were constructed according to the past and the decisions were made on the basis of an infants emotions and reality testing.  In relation to this could we not conclude that some of this script is then defective.  In other words “Defects of Character”  .  The only difference with script analysis is that it may go into more depth on the emotional reasoning behind the script processes.  However, both script and defects of character in step 6 are about early reality testing and emotion that often does not work in contemporary life.  If ones script holds much pain and defects of character then it is likely that individuals are more susceptible to go back to using.  This is where there are further similarities in step 6 as it points out the need for being specific in identification of individual defects of character and the changes required to recover from them.  It seems that the steps do account for life script process but may use different terminology in its understanding and language.  It can see that one cure does not fit all and the approach for addressing one addiction may not work for all others.  The rageaholic may need to look at anger and the passive may need to look at anger phobia.  The idea that tailoring to the individual is regarded in treatment today in some recovery centres.  Generally, thought most defects of character involve imbalance in the expression of and the experience of our most basic needs.  We can learn so much by reflecting on defects of character and life script in learning about the self.  It can give us so much information about our needs and how they are not being met and then allow us to embrace evolving as we put in action to change.  All of this creates emotional resilience in a solid and humble way.