Every Tuesday we do an aftercare group in Oxford which is about individuals who have gone through therapeutic treatment for addictions and script come together to process where they are.  I am always interested and warmed by how hard people work to live life in a productive and healthy way regardless of individual struggles and situations.  Some find the fellowship useful and connecting while others at times may find the maintaining of sobriety somewhat tedious “at times”.  The fabric of life is that we may experience situations differently at times and contexts in our lives.  One individual was struggling with feelings and how the fellowship can define addiction in general terms.  While his experience was different and related to deep anxieties historically and ambivalent relational patterns.  It is frustrating when we are defined as sometimes our own experience is unique to the self thus precious and individual.  Another individual was experiencing how the fellowship is like a social life in a different way.  This was especially as it is without substance. The alcohol for her eventually  led to isolation thus, robbing her of the interactional sociability she craved.  Life was different once she could see the script and potential for drama that had the destructiveness attached.  Another individual was going to meetings but also joined a martial arts group which is something that he had not done before.  Very pro-active and engaging in what life is all about.  There were 2 other ladies in aftercare which offered me much surprise as they really had done differently from which  i had concerns about.  One lady who left early and i felt had not done enough work in treatment was actively in recovery and enjoying the process and taking responsibility for herself and considering loved ones and the amends she was making.  It was very touching and pleasing which shows each experience is different for everyone.  Lastly, one young lady who i am proud of as even though she was living in a co-dependent household and had her own dificulties in many  ways still turned up to aftercare every week.  Still spoke out even though this was really hard.  Still wanted to get better and better and was pro-active in getting a job.  All in all i find these groups so inspirational and i am in awe of all of those who continue on this road.  Thank you all.

I LOVE PEMA CHODRON who is not only a great teacher, writer and person but is honest about her own script problems and does not profess to be perfect. We all have such script entanglements which hold pain, guilt, discounting, denial, depression, hedonism and self loathing.  All can be about the avoidance of unwanted feeling or not wanting to look at situations. “The bury the head in the sand syndrome”.  Pema has a method called COMPASSIONATE ABIDING which is a great leveller for all the stuff that we can suffer from in our script.  This technique can help you stay with a script process that you would usually act out.  Again i see it as relevent to a step 7 action.  Its about bringing warmth to unwanted feelings.  After all, if we are in a sad or angry child place inside do we not need nurturing and being with.  This is a way of providing that parenting to yourself and accessing your inner nurturer.  In childhood even if we are angry and having a tantrum we really need holding, containment, safety and a hug.  the best way to see this is giving yourself the hug you need and not having to run away from yourself.  What would you say about a mother or father who ran away from their child because they were sad, angry or scared.  What do you think that child would need?  This technique of COMPASSIONATE ABIDING is a direct method for embracing our experience rather then rejecting it.  Script hooks you rather like addiction.  By staying with a process, stepping back physically or sitting down but being aware of this and taking time to breath, inviting ourselves to relax and take time, letting the feeling be there and not pushing it away.  Abiding with the feeling is acceptance of self “warts and all’  we may see things we don’t want to about the self, such as edginess, aggression, sadness, failure, shame,  disdain, fear and envy.  As  you breath out you give the feeling and yourself space.  It ventilates the discomfort and means you are willingly touching parts of yourselves that are often avoided.   We can synchronise this with our breath and a step 7 appreciation for life and humility.  This is part of life “feeling uncomfortable” “seeing our “black shadow” the parts we do not like and would fear others seeing.  With this technique and step 7 philosophy we can transact over the script process and invitation to act out emotionally which can trigger addiction relapse.  We are rejecting this reactive energy and not ourselves.  The feelings that we thought are destructive and we must avoid are not but the rejection of ourselves can be negative .  The scripty feelings can con us into patterns of avoiding which are destructive to the self and others in our lives.

Its a real conundrum and paradox that often human beings use self destructive behaviours to self sooth and get comfort. I see us as keeping our inner child all through our lives thus, we are forever primal in someways. Therefore, we hold primal needs of attachment, feeding and soothing,  In life resisting the temptations is something step 7 helps with as a wholesome navigator. The temptations are vast from cravings that are diverse: lust, aggression, fear, vanity, greed, blame, envy, grandiosity, power, arrogance, status, superficiality, and so on – “I want , I want I want”.   ALL THAT HOOKS US TO LOOSE OUR BALANCE, OUR CENTRE, OUR HEARTS.  The step 7 process and its relationship with mindfulness and meditation can allow us to stay present and not be seduced by temptations that do not feed us goodness but are toxicity in disguise.  Here we can be pro-active by applying this step to our lives as this is a action way of “being” in the present  that is governed by compassion.  The script is often reactive as its driven by powerful feelings that are compulsive and directed by primal neediness that is no longer productive to our wellbeing.  The stuff of life that kicks our scripts will pass and do not need to set of a chain reaction.  These can be so self destructive and painful.  Whats so difficult to comprehend sometimes is the pain that one wants to avoid is often reacted to in such a way that it creates more pain then if the process was just allowed to “be”.  This means “being” with the feelings and not avoiding as they will pass but actions and negative thoughts can cause more pain.  We can let energies and emotions pass through and even learn from them.  They can be blessings in disguise if we practise allowing them to “be” rather then acting them out.

THE step 7 is also about acceptance that life is not always how we would like it “our selfishness”.  The script is about self absorbed selfishness at times because of the survival strategies based on human attachment needs.  With difficult circumstances we can revert to type as they call it in psychological terms .  I call it reverting to script and the strategies that we are used to which do not always allow growth and learning and they are often about the avoidance or denial off because of the pain that can be involved.    This can be a shame as difficult circumstances are a chance to grow in bravery and in wisdom.  When things fall apart and we cant seem to get our pieces together, when we loose something dear, when life is not working properly, when people upset us, when we feel sorry for ourselves or don’t know what to do. etc etc etc.  This is the time for opportunity and growth if we embrace learning and accept that life has its difficulties.  Its a chance to come out of the protective bubble of script.  In a way the script in adulthood cons us by this very idea which is a myth or illusion.  It is not a protection in the way we believe but a prevention.  It can prevent us from reaching our full potential in someways depending on the beliefs and messages we hold.  The step 7 can keep this in balance and keep the healthy protection side in check but leave enough space not to prevent this opportunity for growth which comes from the pain life can throw at us.

Another application of step 7 and taken into everyday life to make us awaken, connect and appreciate.  To humanise people that we may often ignore because we don’t know them, don’t feel we will relate to them or even see ourselves as more important or lesser then.  All fantasy and about our unruly minds and assumptions.  We can get connection and joy by acknowledgement and giving recognition no matter how insignificant we may assume it is.  I did this the other day shopping and at the till where exchanges of passing the time led my focus on a young chap who had disabilities was busy working away and interacting.  I could see how much this meant to him and how he was finding his way in life and that particular environment with people that he wanted to communicate with and do a good job for.  It really touched me , not from a place of sympathy or even compassion but absolute inspiration, courage and admiration.  This left a glow in my heart for hours afterwards and its times like this where i wonder at life and what it has to offer.  I learned something that day from that young man and i appreciated him being one of my teachers about how to be.  If i had not been open hearted and working the step 7 i may not have even noticed this and therefore missed out.  With this i would say keep awake when we pass others in the street, on buses, in shops, waiting in cues , notice life and exchanges with others.  The world becomes more alive and real even without words we can have intimacy.  This step allows us to see life as it is for that moment rather then be in script.   Apply this step in meetings as we never know what we may be closed off to or have missed.  To be less self absorbed means seeing others and the world more.

The title is so true that life will kick our stuff “script”  The steps helps with not fleeing from what is uncomfortable by using .  The step 7 can help give humble time to stand still with compassion and thus not automatically flee, act out or use.  We can with time and patience train ourselves to embrace the stuff that hurts and learn from it.  Using loving kindness can help us genuinly  appreciate life as a gift both good and bad.  Not life as a given and only appreciate with what we are getting from it because of our neediness.  If we follow a principled way of living “steps” we can be openhearted.  The life script can make us shut down, be defended, act out and feel dis-satisfied.  Working on ourself and applying step 7 can stop or balance escalated discomfort which can eventually allow us access to our genuine heart and authenticity.  This can stop the process of reviving script by toxic internal thinking and conversations which escalate feelings and leave us not in reality but in the past.

I want to start the new year with step 7 as i think this grounds human life in many ways that are both spiritual and diverse.  It gives us qualities of natural warmth, kindness and empathy.  To live humbly can often link to living with more happiness.  Additionally, this step invites us to come out of our scripty neediness.  In the fellowship this could be defined as our selfish ways of being in the world which is about “me, me, me” .  With script its inevitable that individuals are selfish as its basis is on attachment needs.  The infants way of getting its primal and emotional needs met which are transfered into adulthood and manifested in patterns of behaviours which can be unhealthy.  Often individuals acts this out and its out of awareness.  This is where the action of step 7 and living with humble kindness can invite people out of script whether they are aware of their process or not.  It offers a kind of cross transaction which can stop a self centred pattern or psychological game which historically was about neediness.

I would like to start the year with a step 7 outlook and how this can Help anyone struggling with scripty behaviours, thoughts and feelings. This step encourages a healthy navigator which focuses on humility , love, warmth, compassion and kindness. This in turn can be grounding as it allows us to be in adult which is a healthy energy.  The script is constructed during childhood thus about self preservation and strategies from an infants perspective. It’s no wonder we can be needy and appear hopeless in script. This is because we may be reacting with old strategies from child logic to a here and now situation. Tricky. My love for this step is its power to navigate us away from script fear and reaction by the process of compassion.  The step is a form of preservation in itself by the power of inviting us into our natural goodness for others which in turn gives us an energy and glow.

Even though Pema Chodron never really talked about script in her writings I can see the relationship between this and the unruly mind.  She is an American Buddhist nun and a renowned Tibetan meditation master.  The book tiles i have read are Acceptance and Taking The Leap.  I relate these to the 12 steps and Life Script.  How human beings can live in fear and want to create certainty out of uncertainty.  Additionally the struggle to accept life for how it is and what it is , in the here and now.  To just “be”, is something that we are not taught and can be a real leveler .  Hence mindfulness and being present.  Pema sees people as having a contradictory self which is a cross between our  tenderness and warmth and our bittersweet vulnerability which is not relaxed in its search for certainty. How we deal with this is important to mental health and its no wonder so many people suffer with addiction in an attempt to self sooth.  I see step 1 and that we are powerless to life and its uncertainty and step 7 living with humility and compassion helps to regulate the part of us that lives with fear .  With time  one can experience that we don’t automatically have to flee from uncomfortable feelings.  We can embrace life, feelings and genuinely live with an open heart.

In script we kick our uncomfortable stuff which brings unwanted feelings to the present.  If we close up to understanding and experiencing this we will turn to addiction and relapse in the long term.  If we are open and follow a principled way of living as in the steps we can have warmth with pain and live with heart qualities in love, compassion, gratitude and tenderness.  The script is like a storyline that once existed as protection, avoidance  and child reasoning but in the present adult life can be very counterproductive.  Script can make us involuntarily shut down “defense’s” etc.  We revive our scripts by feeding them with internal conversation which is toxic.  Also we seek external environment stimuli and others to reinforce our script beliefs.  Working on the self is so important and keeps us in reality.

I facilitate a group of lovely ladies that relates to script and change.  This has been going for a couple of months and has been really successful and inspiring in relation to the power of groups, identifications, support, intimacy and safety.  Groups often go through stages of “forming”  the stage is set and constructing- “norming”- Where is feels natural to be going to the group and seeing ones peers. “Storming” Where work is put into the cauldron of the group to process and “performing”  Where the really gritty work gets the opportunity grow, process  and learn from.  This group are already storming with taking risks with their peers and self disclosure.  It said to me that more private practice groups could really do with being set up.

Even with a new member this group worked well creating safety, being interested, identifying with each other, taking the risks to disclose.  They could see how much work they had done on changing their life script and what this took to achieve.  Here strokes were really important as its hard work and we all need acknowledgement for this.  2 of the group members went to SLA which they found really useful.  One who is a newcomer to SLA “sex and love addiction” even took the risk to speak about her vanity ideal in group which was wonderful to see.  Additionally, how a member who is already in the fellowship supported her in taking her to a SLA group.  Its so important that people are part of something real and honest as it can be so freeing.  I am hopeful that this will grow and more connections will be made.

Another member spoke about her relationships with others and how she no longer pleases and adapts.  How this has effected those that expect her to be in a certain role and how they have dealt with the process.  It reminded me of how when we change others are still in a place of expecting us to be a certain way.  Lastly, it was fantastic to see a newcomer to the group be so welcomed and supported.  Its always scary joining a group that have previously met.  I could see the nerves and ambivalence with her and it pulled me into wanting to rescue which i declined.  Thank goodness i did because really there was no need.